Well, i was sort of pondering about the meaning of life with a towel wrapped around my head when i realized that it is not doing much good... so decided to tease my cat, reply my smses, read Anna Karenina for the umpteen time and wait for the meaning of life to hit me whenever it is convenient.

In the meantime, happiness seems like it is here to stay for a bit so i will be contented with its company while it is here.

Hmm.

Life smells pretty good for the moment.

Smells? Ya.
*take a deep sniff*
Like freshly brewed coffee, toasted kaya bread, baby power, old books, clean sheets and the botanical garden after the rain.

I felt like i have lived a year in the span of a month.

I never though being 28 would be this tiring...

So it was...

She never thought she would enjoy going to a new junior college after the first 3 months. She knew in her heart she was a geek, despite all that she tried to do to appear... well, cool. She wanted a good start so she permed her hair for the first time when she was 16. A not-altogether successful attempt in her opinion because she promptly cut it off after a few weeks with the word "aunty" deeply imprinted in her mind. She made few friends because she felt awkward speaking to people she just knew. She has never been sociable or gregarious, even in the security of her old secondary school. She has the habit of walking to classes alone and sitting with the few people she knew well. She tried to follow what was taught but she never thought that it would be so tough, to be in one of few top JCs. She didn't think she would be able to cope. Eventually, she settled in and felt comfortable in her little circle, laughing aloud and trying to have "fun", as what teenagers her age were prone to do. She developed crushes on boys which were a whole new experience for her after her 4 years in a girls' school. She did the usual walk and glance routine for the boys she liked, her friends nudging and laughing at her sides. It wasn't meant to be anything serious because she knew she could never approach any of them nor did she believe for a second that they would be interested in her. That was how JC was supposed to be.

She met him in one of her classes. An unassuming sort of boy whom, though did not possess the hearttrob boy-band sort of cuteness, had great big eyes that sort of make one smile if they looked a little closer. She thought he was a geek, like her. He sat quietly most of the time with the other guys in class, tucked away in the corner where people would not notice. She didn't either, not in the beginning. Two people, tucked in their own worlds in the opposite ends of the classroom.

When did their line of vision cross, she did not remember. But she began to knew more of him, from his exhibitions and from what others said in passing. "Not quite like me then" she thought to herself. Yet he wanted to be her friend, that she remembered smilingly. She couldn't quite fathom why he would asked her out but he did. It was a time of 'first times' for both. She still could not believe how she almost shouted "just us?" when he asked her out that first time on the bus. It was a mistake and a movie she could never forget.

It was a movie and no more though they remained friends. For her birthday, he gave her an umbrella with happy birthday written in chinese on it. She laughed and laughed at the geekiness of it all yet she never stopped using it. For his birthday, she gave him a paper owl hanging ornament. She never knew what he thought. As days passed and amount of work grew, she continued being a nobody with her small circle of friends and trying to survive school while he continued to win prizes and write love poems.

It was, after all, a time for 'first times' for many.

At the risk of sounding really corny...

I really love him and have never stopped loving him, despite hating myself upon occasions that i do.

Ah well.

You silly bugger.

*smiles*

I love to drive.

There is this one stretch along the the ECP (from Changi towards the city) after the Tampines exit, where the trees along both side of the roads are particularly thick, which always makes me smile whenever i drive through it. There are days when i would deliberately drive through that stretch in one of my aimless "wanderings" late at night. I love it most near dawn or in the evening because it never fails to remind me of a mysterious forest from one of Grimm Brothers' faily tales. I usually feel calm as i watch a deep purple river flows through the top of my windscreen, broken only by thick dark green branches against the night skies. I cannot fully describe how it looks like on paper, i could only say that for the span of 30secs before that stretch of road ends, i could think of nothing else but the beauty of that road.

Well, regardless of what i said about the PB grade i got and how i feel about it, I think YOU deserve what they have given you. It doesn't matter why and amidst all the speculation, I for one would not think you stay because of money. Oh come on, it is not like they are giving you millions. *grins* Incidentally, i realized for other civil "servants" (i.e. teachers), a grade C in PA means 1 month bonus. So, take your PB and go be nice to your friends!

Caught Last Life in the Universe on Monday.

Another movie i thoroughly enjoyed for its cinematography and quirkiness. Was a little bit tired and feeling bogged down just before i watched it so left the movie with fewer than my usual rantings.

Some disjointed views...

I thought the movie ended rather optimistically and my heart actually lightened at the ending, despite the fact that the protaganist was sitting in his underwear, in a tiny interrogration cell with his hands cuffed and all his possessions laid out in a line before him. From the start, Kenji was a depressed and suicidal man, whom despite his can't-complain comfortable physical environment (e.g. steady job, nice apartment etc), continually seeked to end his life (which fortunately or unfortunately gets thwarted every single time at the most crucial moment). His inner consciousness was filled with negative images (usually with him dead). So despite all that he has going for him, he has no ability to feel anything other than emptiness. Yet at the end, he fell in love, stopped being totally anal and his last thoughts were strangely 'normal' images of the meeting the girl in japan and filled with hope and optimism. So even though he may be 'realistically' in a worse shape (possibly jailed) and almost definitely not be able to find the girl again, I felt that he has been liberated and i felt happy for him because i know with hope and the ability to feel, he would never try to kill himself again.

I think i would preferred to be free in my mind than to be free physically if i could only choose one.
When you are set free within your inner consciousness, it doesnt matter where you are, you will always be free.

For you (when listening gets too tough, and all you can do is read).

Perhaps to many i sounded harsh and cool.
But i assure you, you are worth more than you think you are.
Don't say sorry.
Don't say thank you.
Say that you will be ok.
No.
KNOW that you will be ok.
You are here for a reason, for you are part of the reason I am here too.
Never think that you shouldn't be.
Don't worry.
Don't worry about getting lost, for one of us will always find you.
Never assume for other people what they think and how they feel.
You are not them.
Never let them tell you that they know how you think and how you feel.
They are not you.
Listen because you want to.
You have to want it before you can have what it is that you want.
Don't give up on yourself... none of us have.
No one owes you anything and you don't owe anyone anything either.
Love yourself above all else... it is ok to be selfish too.
Take care of yourself... and also let yourself be taken care of.
Be good to yourself... and let others be good to you.
Don't judge yourself.
Ignore those who do.
Take a deep breathe.
It is only today that matters.

*hugz*

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Took out the Ki system thingy because:

a) its too long
b) everyone else's look exactly the same

Ah well... I think those by quizilla are at least nicer to look at and shorter to read, though are hardly informative.

He got himself a studio space with a couple of friends down in little india and we are in the process of "decorating" it (if you consider his plastic carrefore trolleys idea a decorating effort). I guess i have fantastical (is there such a word) ideas which he had to constantly pull me back into reality by reminding me it is a "work space". I guess functional is the key... but still, it doesn't hurt if we can make it look "nicer" right? Anyway, despite our "decorating differences" i pretty much enjoy going to ikea to bum around looking for impractical things. Last night got a work table (actually its a dining table) at the bargain corner for only $40, as well as a dark shower curtain for $15 (retail $25) for the window. I would have preferred something more "airy" than a plastic one. See how his mind work? Plastic trolleys and plastic curtains *shudder* perhaps we should have gone for a plastic "mod" look instead (yes yes yes, it is ONLY a work space). But he needed something that can totally block out the lights when he do his animations (but still cheap enough to afford). Yay! I can't wait for him to get started on his animations again. It is about time he get his butt cracking though i know it is hard to do so with a regular job teaching so many students. Hopefully with a real work space, he can get down to it again.

Well, tonight will go down to ikea again to buy the cushions and shelving units. I think the rest of the knick knacks i can supply from my house. Think i also have a chair unused lying around somewhere. Will also move my oil painting stuff there and get him to move his easel over when we move his computers so i can start painting again.

Its the holidays and been at work everyday typing and typing reports (with the occasional yahoo gaming). Ah well, at least the school is quiet and peaceful, can't say the same for next week when things kick back into the high gear once the kids come back. Supposed to rearrange my office but got stuck in the rut in the ideas department. Have absolutely no clue how should i rearrange the furniture. Some practical constraints needed to be worked out first, such as get a longer extension for the lan cable. Anyway, today i am on half-day off to run some errands (e.g. send car for servicing, buy batteries for my dad, go to ikea to buy some furniture) and all i want to do now is take a nap. That's how i feel on days that i am tired, it is like i have not shaken of the feeling of being enveloped within my cocoon of duvet and pillows. The touch of the bedsheet and duvet cover still lingers on my skin in an invisible cloud. I guess i am still half-asleep or half-awake, depending on how optimistic you are feeling right now.

I realized i am too responsive to the things around me and as i become older, the less able i am to mask my feelings. I am too sensitive. Too emotional. Too easily hurt. Though some may feel otherwise. It has become harder and harder to not let things affect me and i am really looking for a safe haven where i can just be free.

The 3 day staff retreat was a rollercoast ride for me and very very tiring. I went with pretty high expectations and was sent crashing to reality on the very first day after the ED's speech. But the good thing is, at the end of the retreat, i felt rejuvenated again and i sincerely believe there is a fighting chance for this organization to undergo necessary changes to become better. I am glad to have a chance to meet and talk to people i normally have no chance to meet. And i am especially touched by my principal's gestures to make me feel better after i shared with her my feelings after the first day. It was good to know that my committment and passion for my job has been taken seriously. The saving grace also came when the ED sat in in our department's discussion on the last day and i could see that she genuinely likes to resolve the current issues revolving around our organization. That dissipated my original disillusion that nothing will be done to invoke the necessary changes. Perhaps the best thing that came out of this retreat is knowing that there are no enemies except for those you made yourself. I think i am ready to tackle whatever that is necessary head on and feel comfortable in the department again.

On a personal level, i am very happy to made new friends (e.g. Fiona, the new OT) and get to know my "old" friends better. Angela has been a great roomie with her abundant packets of tea and milo. And i had a great night on sunday where a few teachers gathered in our room to play silly games and laughed our head off. I think nothing beats having a sense of belonging with the people you work with and enjoying what you do. I am quite ready to work towards a better organization because all these people (from ED to HOD to teachers to friends) matters to me A LOT. So i guess i am staying put here for a while more.

That said, I still wish you all the best IF you decide to go Pathlight but only if they can make you laugh like the way we do over here in RC. *smiles*

Its been a busy week at work, mainly trying to tackle million and one things at the same time because term is ending end of the week. There are teachers to see, parents to talk to and reports to complete. Deadlines are building up and projects to see through. That said, i am still having fun and feeling pretty charged up. There are things i want to see done and done well. Tomorrow is the staff retreat in JB and after the results of climate survey, it looks like it will be an interesting retreat. I guess along the way, the organization has gone off the path and lost its way and its people. But hopefully with this retreat, we can start off on the right foot again. This has been a great place to work for me, and i really hope that it will become a great place to work again. Well, i am optimistic and i know it sounds arrogant, but it has become sort of a personal mission for me to try to make that happen. I guess this place means more to me than i show it. *grins*

I am sorry that i am such a quarrelsome (well, you said opinionated) person and you have to put up with that sometimes.

But i am happier now more than ever because i know that even though we disagree or fight with each other, you will always support what i do and that i am not too proud to say "I am sorry" first. I have known that for a long time, i did not care less if i made you sad or angry but now i do care and that makes me happy.

A little topsy turvey i know but well... i think you understand what i am saying.

Welcome home darling.

Do you realized that i am just as you thought i am... a mermaid? *smiles*

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You're a mermaid. The stereotypical mermaid had a
long, fish-like tail that blended with the
human torso at the hips and almost white skin
with red hair or some off color like green or
blue. They were the most fantastic singers and
the siren type of mermaids would lure sailors
with their lovely lullaby into dangerous rocks.
They were mostly harmless and peacefull and
they were content to simply sit on the beach
combing their hair or in the water playing with
friends. They never wore clothes and were
always women. They were sweet and a little
deciteful at times. (please rate)


What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla


Yes yes.. A bit silly these quizzes.. but so addictive! :)

On my birthday, despite no one remembering it at work (well, except angela who already has given me a very nice present *thank you thank you*), i had a good time with him. We had dinner at Al Dente at the Esplanade which offered great views though the service could have been better. I enjoyed the tiramisu tremendously however. I wondered about when my present was going to appear but he kept saying that the dinner was the present. Ha! As if i was only 3 years old. Did he really think i would be fooled to think that my present was a compact swiss army knife he has given me a few days ago? *roll eyes* Actually i half suspected that he was going to "pop the question" and felt more than a little... anticipatory. Eventually, while trying to distract me with the view of the CBD across singapore river, he placed a ring box right infront of me. I didn't know to laugh, to cry or to be anxious. Well, maybe all three things happened. When asked if there was a condition attached to wearing the ring, the sweet boy said "Only if you agree to be my girlfriend forever". So there it is, a little diamond "be-my-girlfriend-forever-love-ring" , now on my third right finger. Afterwards, when asked why didn't he just asked me to marry him, he said he could not be sure if i would reject him. Till now, i am not so sure if i would have said "No" if he did "pop the question". But at least, as i have told him, i can haggle for a bigger ring the next time.

I guess a lot of people have been sort of wondering at my "turn-about" especially with my relationship. At one point, it almost seemed to be "off" when i asked for a 'break' in the beginning of the year to think through my relationship with him. He almost felt that it was the end too. But all i can say is that during the last 2 1/2 months, being more detached from the relationship, i have actually gain better perspective of it. I needed to know if i could spend the rest of my life with this person because at one point, it seemed too impossible because of all the baggages involved. And most of the time, i felt that it was either he was trying very hard to please me or vice versa. I felt drained and confused and very very irritable. In other words, i felt that the relationship was really going to self-detonate at some point. Being constantly together and "working at the problem" (i.e. the root of what had happened between us) only made one of us very tired and the other very insecure. I guess it became hard to tell where one problem start and next problem end. I really needed a time-out. I am thankful that he did give it to me despite his reservations and unhappiness. I know it wasn't easy for him to let go of me a little especially when his instinct was to hold on to me tighter when he sense that i was having problems with us.

In the 2 1/2 months, i have gone out with other friends, talked to them, learned new things, learned more about myself, taking some time off from thinking too much about our problems and just enjoying life, and it has helped me tremendously. I guess i would not have decided on carrying on if i did not have that space to breathe a little. In the span of that time, other friends ran into problems of their own, including one which landed in a similar situation that i was in 2 years ago. After trying to work out their problems, i realized that i am actually over my own baggage. Something i have not really realized while still in the relationship with him because of the intensity which we attempted to "solve" our problem. And when things really became edgy at work, the more i realized that i am more "stable" than i thought i was and calmer. When a friend narrated to me this example, "you can find yourself attracted to a million people for various reasons, but ultimately, the one you will be with for life, is the one you can see yourself going home to every single day", the first person i thought of was him. I truly truly feel like he is the person i can see myself going home to for the rest of my life for many many reasons, one of it being, despite knowing each other for 11 years, dating for almost 6 years and talking everyday, i am never ever bored talking to him. Ever. I don't think i will ever feel quite the same about any other person .

So at this point, i guess i only have one more thing to say...

Mr Wilkie Tan, do you think you can be there for me to go home to every single day for the rest of your life?

Nice things happened on my birthday.
On saturday the 28th of Feb, babes threw me a dinner party which she has prepared and i had an enjoyable time with her, akane and "mommy". Then it was me buying babes and sue teo chew porridge on sunday, another enjoyable evening.

And a great big thank you to my two adorable, suarve, gentlemanly, gracious, handsome, thoughtful, kind, cute, (Hmmm... should be enough already i think), BROTHERS for the lovely daisies they sent on my birthday.

I wish i could post the photo up like last year but i don't have digicam this time round, so sorry bros. But nevermind, i took a few shots on my phone. :D

*peer into mirror*

Strange, i don't feel significantly older.
Better still, i don't look significantly older.

*heh heh*

Ok Ok computer still not fixed!
Sorry to all that i have infected or tried to infect.
Am going to seek professional help.
:(

This is the bloody critter that has infested my laptop at home...
*grrrrrrr*

w32.bizex.worm

Congrates to my youngest brother on graduating from university!

What my weekend really concluded with wasn't more smses... but a virus in my computer. Now my icq keep sending that same bug to people on my contact list (my apologies to all) and i keep getting disconnected from icq server.

*curse curse curse*

It is a horrible weekend when you hear from your friend about their r/s problems.
Worse still is when it sounded so similiar from what you have been through.

Damn. Why am i talking in the 3rd person? Ok.. What i have been through then.

I wanted to help but i know i am probably biased in my opinions because i feel for the party who may be dumped though i can understand the rationale behind why the person is doing what he is doing.

It is a horrible weekend when things i shouldn't know, i had to find out. And when i do, it struck me that i have no idea how to really deal with it. Sometimes too much relevations may not necessary be a good thing. If only i had been able to let go of not knowing all the facts. But i know i can't. It sadden me because despite being assured it wasn't my fault, somehow circumstances to me as such, make me feel that it is partially my fault. I just wish for everyone to be happy. I don't consciously try to make people like me though i enjoy the feeling of being likable. Yet, i didn't expect that it would become such a difficult thing. Now i just feel like hiding in a hole somewhere.

It is a horrible week when you insist that i talk to you when i am already feeling drained and tired and maxed out. When i am already feeling guilty enough that i couldn't see you for the past few days. When the last thing i need is to talk about what was wrong when all i wanted to do was hole up somewhere to digest what had happened, what i have seen and what i have heard. All i wanted was to talk to you in my own time when i am ready, for you to trust me that i will when i am ready and for you to be supportive in the meantime. What i don't expect is for you to tell me that i could only do so in a time convenient to you, which is now and that next week you "have a lot of work to do". All i can say now is that i am so disappointed in us, that you have made an otherwise horrible week, even more that i can bear.

If the whole world has not gone incredibly mad, then i think i have.

I'm sleepy again.
Went marketing in the morning and now i want to take a nap.
Yawns.
So much to do though.
Need to do the posters for the retreat
and look through cookbooks for inspirations...
having a potluck for tomorrow's farewell party in school.

I'd say, sort out your personal relationship problem first before bringing in another person into the equation.
What is it about humans and their egos that they have to know that they are being admired?

I have been offered a training course in North Carolina for 2 weeks in July-August.
I guess i am both happy and unhappy about it.
Happy to finally be offered
yet unhappy that the nomination came from someone else other than my own dept head.
I hate thinking that favouritism plays a part in selection.
I hate not being picked for the course that i am more suitable for.
I hate that place being given to someone who does not merit the placement.

There are a lot of things i am becoming unsatisfied about at work and it bugs me that as the organization grows, people start losing sight of what is importance and politics come into play. I miss working in an environment where none of those things were important and though we were a small organization, everyone felt like part of a family. Except now, we aren't and management tried salvaging the old culture by organizing retreats. My question now is, exactly what culture are we trying to salvage? Do they know? Why do i have the feeling that it is an attempt to make one side conform to the other? Like my colleague said, i don't really need the job. I guess if i am required to play politics and do some serious ass-licking, i would just pack up and leave. But i will really miss the kids though.

Tomorrow is my performance appraisal.
Doesn't really worry me, unless they found out about me taking 2 hour lunches during the school holidays.
I am not expecting an "A" for appraisal
but if its anything lower than a "B" i'm gonna protest.
For once i just wish people can appreciate the energy and work i put into what i do.

A flurry of smses concluded my weekend.
Looking at other people's problems
problems of my own
and suddenly i wondered if the whole world has gone incredibly mad.
I feel like i am having a perpetual crick in my neck
from looking up into the sky
and nothing can work out the tension.
Suddenly, the burrow in the duvet looks mightily
inviting.
Except i can't be in there because i am needed out here.
I wish people would just be happy.

Somethings you can say and other things you can't.
For those things you can't, you can perhaps write.
But what if you can't write about it?
Then what?

Things are getting really chaotic at work now... at times seemingly dangerously close to everything falling apart. Unhappy sentiments seems to be surfacing all over the place, from teachers to parents. The students are acting up as well...

And now this thing about a colleague...

Man. I am bloody confused and feeling really uptight about every thing.
So much so that "I quit" is just hanging off the tip of my tongue, just waiting for the next wave to tip that over.

Perhaps i am just stressed.

Read this somewhere about relationship...

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the "i".

Did the MBTI on saturday and my profile is INTP. Well, i could be INFP too, since it was only a point difference between my thinking and feeling part.

He has been quite sick these couple of days.
I'm abit worried because usually when he falls sick, it lasts quite a while.
Hmm... Must ask my mom what he needs to eat again.

What a super duper short weekend!
Too much seemed to have happened and i am totally exhausted.

Whatever it is, i hoped that you are feeling better my dear...
Though as your friends, we know we can't do very much
but we hoped that things will resolve itself soon...

Hey!
It's friday the 13th!

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I am spending it with 100 over people... at work.
There would be a survey in the morning in school which is compulsory as well as some trainers who would be conducting the MBTI personality test for the staff who hasn't done it. The profile would be used for our staff retreat. Whole thing expected to finish around 4pm. Doh. There goes my saturday. Not that it matters since he is away on reservist.

Had a real scare in the last couple of days but thank god it turned out fine. However, it did made me think through something quite personal and put some things into perspective for me. I can only say, i have never felt quite so peaceful in a while.

Attended another wake. This time, its my colleague's dad. She looked a little shellshock and confessed that if it wasn't for her aunt, she would have really gone down the deep end not knowing what to do. Despite being the oldest in the family (she has a younger brother), she is after all only in her twenties. I think it is such an ordeal for the living to say their goodbyes to their dearly departed. I think back to my own family and wonder how i would be able to live through that day when my parents passes on. It is a scary thought and not one i bear dwelling on. Sigh. I hope my colleague is okie after the cremation today.

Don't you know that i keep your bagful of misses right here in my heart?

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)


Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.


Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.


"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla


GEEZ!
That sounded terrible.

The Odd Couple: A well-attended play with well-dressed people.

I have not attended a "straight" play for ages. By that i meant people acting as distinct characters, realistic sets, real time, yada, yada, yada... In other words, nothing that was quite so "Cheem" that require you to think about the methaphorical properties of a particular lampshade. After having overworked my brain on looking at the subtext of plays like Sand and a Distant Star, and the likes, I am a little confounded on the onset of The Odd Couple and more than once, had to readjust my brain to stop trying to think too deeply into the unsaid or unseen or symbolism and just concentrate on the wit and humor and the acting. After i changed my "mode" around, things gotten pretty much more enjoyable by the second act. I realized that watching a performance requires more that what is going on on stage as the audience is an integral part of the process in the enjoyment of the show. My cousin recited a fact about her boss who absolutely have no interest in anything related to the arts after declaring "I am not the arty-farty sort" and felt that such performances, regardless of its merits, are hardly enjoyable (perhaps even torturous). That in itself is quite ironical since he is in charge of the allocating of sponsorships to such artistic groups or productions, rightly by order of merits.

Well, back to the play. It is enjoyable and witty and funny but i have never been particularly fond or otherwise of such a genre. For some reasons, i prefer things to be less "accessible" unless if it was brilliantly witty. For example, I enjoyed ART! tremendously for its dead pan british humor and clever take on the topic of art. But I wouldn't say that The Odd Couple was quite like that though i can see its attraction for most audience and to be fair, the actors acted remarkably well (its the Adrian Pang as Felix version) despite some minor hiccups on the lines here and there. I guess i am just spolit by years of foreign art films and avant-garde theatre performances. Ah, but as i said, all i needed to do is just change my "mode" of perception a little and everything made sense again.

A short week that felt too long.

Haven't blogged in a bit because it has been terribly busy at work and play so that by the time i get home i am usually quite zonked out. Suddenly i realized that there are not more public holidays after Hari Raya Haji and it will be busy busy busy till my staff retreat in March which i am part of the organizing committee. On top of that, my performance appraisal is coming as well as various other sub-committees i am part of in school, and recently i just started a new kick boxing class. Other than monday which was a holiday, the only other day i got home at a decent time after work was wednesday. Tuesday i watched a movie. Thursday was kickboxing and dinner. Friday was dinner and watching The Odd Couple. I think i need to take leave just to relax after the retreat. Still, workwise, things are OK though a couple of parents had threatened to deregister their child (or perhaps have already done so) which made one of the programs a little topsy turvey for the moment. No biggie. All will straighten out eventually. Pity the HOP and Social worker having to deal with it though. Conducted a talk for some parents on behaviour management with my colleagues on friday and it was quite fun. I enjoy the feeling of being able to convey what i want to say to people successfully, a connection of sorts. It was heartening to see the parents contributing and affirming some of the points we have brought up in their own children. After that it was more or less a sharing session and before we knew it, we were invited to continue with another sharing session next week because we ran out of time on friday. Ah. A few more weeks like these and we would fly by 2004 right into 2005. Boy, despite being totally tuckered out most days, ironically, i felt quite energized mentally by having so many things happening (well, most of which i enjoyed, so that helped tremendously).

Caught Stan Lai's Sand and a Distant Star (Zai na yao yuan de xing qiu, yi li sa) starring TV's favourite taiwanese host Chang xiao yan, Ah liang and Ah ya, as well as well known theater director/action, Jin Shi Jie (from An Lian Tao Hua Yuan). It was a great play, despite being a little too long (2 1/2hr without intermission), about a street vendor Ye ying (Xiao Yan) who wavered between being sane and insane after her husband disappeared. She claimed that her husband has been abducted by aliens and would come back on Sept 5, 2003, 11.42pm though there has been news that he has abandon his wife and daughter for the last 20 years and remarried in Shanghai. As the day drew nearer, she became more awaken to the "reality" that perhaps her husband may never returned and contemplated going to look for him if he doesn't.

Her daughter, Guaiguai (Ah ya) thought that her mother was insane and was attempting to make a documentary on her with the help of her boyfriend Ah Gao, who came up with the idea of staging a reunion on Sept 5 by getting some actors to play the alien and missing husband and filming them.

Xiao Fan (Ah Liang) was another street vendor working alongside Ye Ping whose Vietnamese wife had ran away from him after he beaten her up. He searched the whole city for her with Ye Ping.

Lao Qian (Jin Shi Jie) was a rich drunkard who had abandoned his terminally ill wife in USA because he couldn't cope with watching her suffer.

Each and everyone had suffered loss in some ways either through disappearance, abandonment or death. Even the daughter was similiarly "abandoned" by her escapist mother who had created an "ideal" daughter in her own little world of aliens and a distant star called Penefere. In the end, everyone had a closure through laughter and tears: Lao Qian finally plucked up the courage to say "sorry" to his wife (in the form of Ye Ping as he acted the abducted husband in Ah Gao's scripted reunion), Xiao Fan finally saw his wife again, GuaiGuai finally understood and accepted her mother while Ye Ping finally "met" her husband in the final act and disappeared from Taipei after that.

As to whether Ye ying's husband was really abducted by aliens was secondary though the play resolved the issue by leaning rather heavily on the fact that the abduction was true when Guaiguai received a postcard sometime later (in the epilogue) from her mother, post dated from Penefere. It has a picture of her mother and someone who looked like her father looking happy together. A video played on the screen behind showed the two smiling before an alien bounced into the frame.

I thought that was really giving too much away and the epilogue was totally unnecessary. I would rather have Ye ying just disappeared after that surreal scene where her husband apparently came back from another planet for a short visit. Everyone acted well, esp Chang Xiao Yan, in her portrayal of an escapist woman and her relationship with her daughter actually made me teared a few times as they attempted to come to terms with each other. Ah ya was mavellous as her daughter(s) - alternating between the rebellious "real" daughter and the ideal "fake" daughter. Jin Shi Jie as the drunkard Lao Qian brought a poignancy to a middle-aged "macho" man who was tortured by the sight of his wife dying as well as his abandonment of her in the hospital. Even Ah Liang's typical earthy humour (akin to his comic hosting style on tv) showed a vulnerable side in his search for his wife which made the audience feel for him.

After the play, we had the chance to stay for another 1/2 hour as the director and actors shared their experience with the audience and answered some questions. I really enjoyed myself despite my cold and recommend anyone to go watch it though it has ended its run today (only 2 shows, on the 31st and 1st of feb).

Down with flu in the last couple of days but finally dragged myself to the doctor's on friday afternoon. In any case, it was anything really serious just a block nose and sore throat. While i was at the doctor's, i decided to ask about hepA & B vaccination and was told that i would need a blood test to see if i have any immunity against hepatitis. Since i was there, i thought might as well get one done. Just as the doctor was able to draw some blood from my right arm, i warned him that it was notoriously difficult to draw any blood from my arm from previous experiences and i usually ended up with bruises. My doctor laughingly told me that all it takes is experience and it is really easy to do it if you know how. Well... after warning me that it may feel a little painful as he pushed the needle in (i assured him i am quite ok coping with pain), he proceeded to explain to me that he could feel a big vein in my arm and told me how it wasn't a problem finding it. So imagine his surprise when he drew back the syringe and nothing came out. I was trying not to laugh as he continued to looked perplexed and continued to "poke" around with the needle at various angles in his attempts to draw my blood. I had to ask him finally if it was really a vein he was poking at which he told me fairly confidently that it felt like one, to which i replied "It must be a fake one then since it doesn't have any blood in it". It took several minutes before he finally took the needle out in defeat. I couldn't help but smile and when he saw me smiling, he looked alittle embarrassed and muttered something like "You don't look surprised" which of course i wasn't. In any case, he became more serious (and less cocksure) when he attempted the same thing with my left arm and finally succeeded. After that i think we both had a good laugh about my "fake vein" (he suspect must a tendon in any case) and he half-seriously told me to warn any doctors who may attempt to draw blood out from me to try with my left arm and never my right.

So much for the long weekend.
Blink and you might just missed it.
Now onward to the monday holiday
or as one would call it, the HRHH (i.e. hari raya haji holiday).

fluttering slips of
yellow paper set my heart
a-fluttering too

water waterfall
water falling water fall
waterfall falling

Hmmm... haiku for a 10 year-old.

In a bed made for two
I can curl up like an island
in a sea of silky cream
or
sleep with my arms spread wide
hugging a world of dreams.

In a bed made for two
I can toss and turn
uninterrupted and free
or
jump and break some springs.
Who cares? Not me.

In a bed made for two
I can surround myself with
an army of cushions
or
sweep it clear as i lay
in various odd contortions.

In a bed made for two
I can create deep soft burrows
for the cat
or
kick him off though
he wouldn't like that.

But do you want to know what's cool
about this bed made for two?
It is really, really all i want,
for it's a bed meant for one.

Long disturbing dream throughout the night that i would be late for work today which not surprisingly made me toss and turn in fear and resulted in me not being late but instead, woke up way too early.

It is a start to a horrible monday.
I just know it.
Rub eyes.
Yawns.

Totally forgotten the 4 digit code on my bicycle lock and have misplaced the slip of paper with the code written on it. Good thing is, i have not locked the wheel but the bad news it, the lock shall remain on the bicycle shaft until i remember the code like a piece of redundant jewellery. Bought the lock in japan and i remembered trying to find one with the easiest to remember code. Well, a load of good that did. I have a vague memory of it and spent the last half hour trying various combinations without avail. I am so tempted to just cut the lock and be done with it. Yet i am not prepared to do that, it being bought in japan (well, i guess it is sort of a gift) and all. Sigh. Well, since it is not exactly in the way and i am in no hurry to get rid of it, i guess i shall just leave it and try one combination a day. I am sure one day it will be opened.

Hmm.. how many permutations would that be then? 4 different digits from 1 to 6 excluding the obviously incorrect ones such as 1111 to 6666... i guess there are still alot of combinations to try. I am quite sure it starts with 5 though. Ah well.

It rained and it rained in the past two days. I wonder why does it always rain when its the lunar new year. In any case, that didn't stop me from going out and joining some jc classmates for a steamboat at one of girl's house. We bought the ingrediants in the nearby shopping centre but had to be ferried across the road by her husband in his car because it was raining cats and dogs. And so it remained, raining till we had to leave a few hours later. It wasn't easy calling for a cab in that weather, not to mentioned that we needed 3 cabs between the 6 of us leaving. It was a great evening despite the rain though. My classmate's two daughters were really cute and the older one was just at the age (going to turn 3) where she enjoyed babbling to all the "aunties" and "uncles" crowded around her while the younger one was trying to crawl around our feet. It is easy to see how having children has suddenly turned one of the most playful of our classmates into a responsible young mother. As the rest of us "singletons" were bitching about work and laughing about naughty stories (a particular joey from the army days and whether transsexual experience "sexual pleasures" from their new organs), our young mother was busy running around her children, putting one to sleep and making sure the other didn't have food dribbling down her shirt. Her husband was similarly occupied while the rest of us continued making a ruckus in the kitchen as one of our more "culinary-challenged" classmates tried her hand in putting together packaged tang yuan and canned peanut soup. I never laughed so much in a class gathering.

It is great to be back in the loop again and we are already talking about having another in march as there are a couple of us having our birthdays then. Given that i am the one who is staying alone (well, sort of), we are tentatively having a sleep-over at my place during the march holidays. I guess i am "it" for coordinating this one. *grins* It is nice that everyone is so "on" about meeting up together and doing things despite us pursuing pretty much different things in life. I didn't think at first that people would want to meet up in a semi-regular mode but when this next gathering was proposed, everyone said they can make it (hopefully). I know i would tried to make it happen for one. I don't know about the others, but for me, despite having other friends and things to do, i suddenly realized that i am happy to be back in this ex-classmates circle again. And even though it has been ten years and everyone has sort of grown, a hard to describe sense of familiarity and comfort remains when i am with them. I feel like i am sort of detached from my daily life when i immerse in this circle with them and its a protective covering against time for a short while. It is not like i went back in time but that we sat outside time for the short period while we are together before jumping back into the time stream once we got into our individual cabs.

I am not sure if i am describing it very well. Needless to say, i am happy and strangely contented.

Bits and Pieces of a lethagic brain

I don't know if each year the holidays just loses it's meaning a little by little or that i am getting older and older hence rapidly losing interest or excitement.

My brother just asked me if it was him or are the shows on tv just gotten unbearably boring.

It rained on the 2nd day of chinese lunar new year and i have just finished watching The Flame of Recca on my new dvd player.

Mom's cooking still taste as fantastic as ever but i can't really enjoy them, being ever conscious of my weight.

Dad took my bike out for a spin and i don't remember seeing him ride on the bicycle.

New car doesn't exactly purr like a kitten but its close enough.

The cat pooped on my bed after i changed its cat food.

I think he is right, i do treat my friends better.

Doing nothing all day makes me feel like snacking.

Rain stopped and i think i will try go for a spin.

Brother leaving on the 8pm flight which means dinner tonight will be early.

Suddenly, i have an urge for tang yuan.

Have to blog this rather than keep adding onto the comments for the post below...


Just as anyone would try to empathize with the child or the parents or the teachers or therapists...

bottomline for me is.. i will always stand on the side of the child.

Though that is not to say that i cannot understand the problems teachers have becos i worked with so many and more often than not, we try as much to solve these problems as we go along.. such has providing appropriate training in handling the behaviour, consulting with them, preparing the materials.. and yes occasionally even have to clean up the shit and drool when the teachers are so tied down by other children...

i have been spat at, kicked, scratched, pushed and tripped too... so i know how frustrating it can be especially when you cannot react. But one thing to remember is to never take it personally. That was what i found out on my very first day at work and had a child spat in my face. If they can help themselves, why would they need us in the first place?

Actually, there are alot of teachers i enjoyed working with and all of them are patient, kind and strong in their own ways. From them, i saw a selfless part of humanity that you don't always see and they never asked to be commended or rewarded. You can see true joy when they teach their students regardless of "progress".

But ultimately if their hearts is not for helping the child and just being too concerned about getting their hands dirtied or having the child "fit" into "THEIR" system or comfort zone.. then i am sorry because i really have limited patience for people like that.

Did i mentioned that i am dogmatic in my own way too?

I don't profess to know more than some teachers teaching in my school. Truth to be told, i have learnt a lot from some of them, but forgive me if said, i really cannot fathom, for the life of me, what i can learn from teachers who advocate "CONTROL" to a bunch of 6 year-olds children with autism.

Yes, CONTROL. With bright bold letters written on the board, CONTROL is number 8 on the list of rules these children has to follow apart from the usual class rules of "sit nicely" and "listen to teacher".

What the heck is CONTROL suppose to mean? Bladder control? Bowel control? What? Does it mean if you wiggle your fingers, twitch your toe, that meant you are not CONTROLling yourself? No talking. No sitting out of your hoops. No playing with your buttons. No fidgeting. No looking around the room. Sit straight. Cross your legs. Eyes front. Quiet. Listen. Roll over and play dead.

There has got to be a better way.

For god sakes! They are only 6! How many CONTROLLED 6 year-olds do you know? I have seen 26 year-olds having problem controlling themselves at times too. These children are already autistic and does not possess a "normative" ability to "have fun" from their lack of social and communication skills. And you want them to be more CONTROLled? Follow certain subtle social rules such as waiting for another person to finish before talking, giving eye contact and listening... well, yes! But CONTROL? Is that normal? Do you expect that of YOUR children? Total rigidity and CONTROL 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Whenever we take these children out for group therapy session (teaching basic social and pragmatic skills), they always look so... anxious initially. Like they have no idea what they CAN do or what is allowed. But they can have fun too when they are more relaxed! But in their classroom where CONTROL is the key, how does one relax?

Another class, another group of children with autism, same age and just as bright.

They are by no means CONTROLled but god, do they have fun! So much laugher and smiles whenever i see them as they are doing art and craft, playing games or even doing a lion dance for CNY. Sure, none are exactly sitting without fidgeting, or listening all the time or staring straight ahead but they are hardly destructive and "wild" like animals to warrant CONTROL waving at their noses.

There are lessons to be learnt where i work with these wonderfully sweet yet innocently flawed children... But CONTROL will never be one of them.

Happy CNY... :)

Where can i find the dream dealer?
I would like to sell some memories.

There are things you miss once you lost them.

The exit came up on the freeway a while back and i've already missed it.
There is not other way but just keep driving.

One of my oldest friend (okie, old in terms of the years we have known each other, not as in she is very old) got married today. Both she and her husband are doctors, hence it is no surprise that the wedding banquet is filled with doctors. Very formal dinner, where i hardly knew anyone. Not sure if i am comfortable there but i am very, very happy for her. :)

Attended one of the programs for Wordfeast, Poetry in the flesh
and met one of my old classmate from first 3 months of JC.

Seems like the last two months i have been meeting a lot of people in my past.

The coffee was brewing for a bit and was left simmering.
After a while it turned cold.
Now i think i rather have green tea.

Now that my parents know everything that had happened between me and him, i felt slightly more relieve even though i was initially quite unhappy that he told my mom. I don't know why i never told my parents myself, probably trying not to worry them, trying to stop them from nagging about it, worried to disappoint them if i am not living a happy life, and more importantly, not wanting them to have negative thoughts about him despite all that has happened.

Yet, it was okie when they knew.

Perhaps i have grown up alittle in their eyes.
Perhaps they are more conscious about how i feel.
At the very least, they have stopped urging me to get married and realized that i should be happy first and foremost.

You know what?
I think i should be happy first and foremost too.

After a whirlwind weekend, my parents have came home and now left again for KL, leaving me reeling in shock. It never failed to surprise me how much they can get done in a day and then disappear the next.

Case in point: We got ourselves a new car.

I have still not caught up with them yet and i think if i pinch myself really, really hard, i might just wake up from the dream.

Oh well.. congratulate me...
i have officially received an official speeding ticket for every single country i have ever driven in.
Well, with the exception of Malaysia maybe... since you can always "replace" a ticket with "coffee money".

Yaps!
Got a ticket for speeding at tasmania.
Woo hoo.

Reading about dreams and suddenly i remembered about the strange dream i had a week ago. It was an undetermined place and time, and everyone in my dream was talking to me in french (or what i assumed to be french) despite me not understanding a word of it. Strangely, everyone looked asian and did not realize that i have no idea what was being said. Hence it went on and on, and i became increasingly frustrated.

The Gatsby advert never fail to make me laugh.
Ya, the one with the silly man in purple singing in japanese before turning into a singing skeleton.
And who can forget the "If you are happy, clap your hair" one.
It is just so silly!
Well, in a cute (ugly but adorable) way.

I think festive has stop being in my repetoire of feelings.

Dec 31, 2003

You know, each year as new year's eve comes around the corner, you keep hoping that something will change or something will improve. You go out, have fun, drink lots of alcohol, shout, dance, sweat, push your way through throngs of people, gather your friends together, toast each other, sing, laugh, jump, count down at midnight... and hope to wake up the next morning finding everything has become brighter, more cheerful, happier or just plain different. Expecting a change in the people around you, the environment around you, change inside you. Expecting that you can really start afresh, wipe the slate clean and emerge virginal once more, pure and simple. You have made more resolutions and expected to keep them finally, this year would be THE year. It has to be. With a blind optimism, you rejoiced the passing of one year and accept the coming of the next with forced cheer and alcohol-induced happiness with a group of like-minded friends. Trying to gather strenght and support to step through the threshold of another year through sheer numbers. Or sometimes, just having a wary resignation for the years that had bulldozed through your life and yet, managing to stick a smile on your face and make yourself believe that perhaps, this year it would be a kinder and gentler year. Perhaps it would be. It has to be. Till you find yourself facing another new year's eve. Another new year's party. Another gathering with friends. Another round of drinks. Another round of toasts. Another year.

I wanted none of that this year.

Saturday

Was invited by angie to a bbq/chalet in changi with tons of people i don't really know very well. There were lots of food and drinks (mostly alcoholic by the looks of the icebox and fridge), and the people were quite nice to be with in general though i have not spoken to most before. Couple of them were from the sausage party at my house two months ago (holy cow, has it been so long?), and it was great to meet up with them again. However, the most interesting thing that happened (other than the guy that went around toasting other with a lethal bowl of vodka/sprite), was when my friend angie introduced me to one of the girls at the bbq. Turned out that she sort of recognized me and later we found that we were in the same class for first 3 mths in ACJC after she told me her name. Small world. What was even more freaky was when i asked her what was she doing and she said, "fencing mostly", suddenly tiny clogs and bolts in my brain clicked (in a nanosec) and i burst out with "OH MY GOD! You are the UStravelmate! (courtesy of Vaya's blog)". The amazing thing was, while at tea with B12 and snow that very afternoon, her name had came up during our conversations (involving NYD, greenbean soup). While her name was quite unique, it was her occupation that really stood out. So when we met at the bbq, it was like six degree of separation all over again, but even more freaky. Like i said, small world. Anyway, the rest of the evening was fun, especially those people from the sausage party who stayed till quite late as well. Finally crawled home around 230 after flinching a bottle of archer's and baileys (ermm.. as nudged by angie) for our next party.

Hmm.. pasta party anyone? :)

2003 was an uneventful year.
It is hard to compare it from the year before that.
Better?
Worse?
I think for different years i've contented with different things.
Last year, i found out more about myself.
I reached out and connected with more people, other than those in my comfort zone.
I did my job the best that i can and enjoyed what i've done.
For most part, i tried to be a good friend to the few good friends i have, though i know i may have failed for some.
I tried to pick myself up from my "failures" of 2002, in some ways i have succeed but i know in many ways, i have not.
My family were still far away in different places, but were never far from my thoughts.
Finally, towards the end of the year, i've decided to face up to the facts and not be a slave to memories.

My colleague said, the difference between 2003 and 2004 is only one second.
Yet, a small step to me seems quite so immense to take, even its only across one second.

Even when the step is taken into a new year.
So what?
This side of the year looks quite the same as the side i just stepped through.
I think i should give it some time.

I know i didn't do it very well...
But how else could i have said it?
That i wanted to walk through the threshold to a new year alone, and not with you?
I would just bring over, to the new year, what should be important.
My self (and yes, perhaps my cat).

After that, i started the new year with what i really wanted: to sleep peacefully without dreams.
Not that the crossing over had been easy, a phonecall, chit-chatting with friend made it easier.
Making the passing of year to year hardly noticible.
For that i thank you.

Happy new year everyone...

School has started. Well, at least for the staff and it is just about to kick into high gear when the children are back and we are preparing to start work again. Another year of challengers ahead. Phew.

It was a weekend of reunions.

Saturday
Met up with 3 of the friends i'be known for the longest time. It all started with a cryptic sms from an unfamiliar telephone number which said "Hi, this is your long lost friend. Call me to find out who i am.". When i received that sms, the first thing that came into my mind was these two girls whom i have known since primary school and have since lost contact with (i've kept more or less in contact with the third). Anyway, apart from being primary schoolmates, we were also neighbours in the same condo estate and i still have fond memories of us 4 girls going swimming, having picnics and playing batminton together. Now, each of us have different careers (one working in HP, one working in SIM, one doctor training to be an eye specialist and of course, me) and two are getting married in 2004. It was great to finally catch up with them again and we had a nice long girly lunch at camden medical centre (no prizes for guessing who made the recommendation *grins*).

Thank you for trying to so hard to find me again. It was nice to be found, my "long lost friend". :)

Sunday
It must have been in the stars that this past weekend would be one filled with reunion. I was just walking around in Bugis with him when suddenly, out of nowhere, a girl tapped me on my shoulder as i walked passed her and called out my name. For the life of me, i couldn't quite remember her name though i knew we were in the same JC together (strangely though, i can remember my primary schoolmates names). Well, she certainly recognized me and him (we came from the same fac and the same JC) and there and then, she told us about my JC class reunion that was happening on the very evening itself! I remembered the last time i saw any of my JC classmates were before i went overseas for my Masters which was more than 5 years ago! It was another wonderful reunion with old friends and to finally what happened to each and everyone after our A levels. Several had become teachers, one is a lawyer, one in advertising, one works in Kino and one has become a mother of two daughters. Gossips were exchanged and time was spent talking about our school days. Time flies and it's nice to see everyone happy and doing well.

Now that i have re-establish contacts with these old friends, i hope to maintain it more diligently this time.

A rainy xmas day.
Use a little more imagination, and you may think that it is snowing.
I wish i can tuck myself in with a cup of hot tea and a good book.
Instead, i have to get ready to attend a xmas party.

Xmas eve.
Was supposed to be at a party with friends at... embargo?
I can't really remember.
In the end, i didn't go.
And Xmas eve was just another night,
except for the silly tv specials
with leftover lunch for dinner.
Yet, it was a pretty good night.

You are a pegasus.
You have a sweet, loving personality, and it's hard
not to love you. Just don't let people walk
all over you too much.
Pesasus are known for their free spirits.


Mythical Creatures
brought to you by Quizilla

Received my first two xmas presents on the 23rd. One of them was a bracelet from my colleague and the other was a pair of ear rings from snow. Thank you both! And so ashamed for not giving out any xmas presents, primarily because i don't celebrate xmas. Yikes. Maybe chinese new year? *sheepish grin* Anyway, thank you girls, you really made my day. :)

Merry xmas to everyone.

Watched Chestnuts.
Expectations Met.
Truly Enjoyable.
Good Work.
Well Done.
Clap Clap.

:)

A conversation sparked off a web search on this:

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When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suddenly, I feel like wearing purple.

Am watching CHESTNUTS tonight with some friends.
Hopefully it will be entertaining.
I have rather high expectations of it.

I am reading stories of other people's lives and i thought.. how wonderful, how interesting, how beautiful, how sad. Sometimes their lives mirrored my own and i can feel the pinch of memories passed. Other times, i looked on, a stranger in another world of different sensations and colours. I drift in and out of these little circles of other people's memories and experiences, alternating between standing beside the eye of the storm and looking from far yonder. Drawn to some and alienated by others.

What stories do i have to tell of my own life? How many would drift into my circle and linger there without me knowing? How many would watch from afar, uncomprehending of my circle of colours and sensations?

I grew a garden once, filled with different smells, tastes, textures and colours. Some colours had bedazzled me. Some smells had made me puke. Thorns had pricked my fingers and petals had cushioned my falls. Not all flowers and thorns were of my own devices. Some are carefully cultivated in the greenhouse. But I have also planted some seeds that i have no recollection of planting. Ghostly figures had tried to pick one or two blooms for their own. Presences that, at time i was conscious of, other times not. Some i let in on my own, others drifted in by themselves.

I wished i have words to express all i'm feeling.

Some days just make you realized that you are no longer 17 but really, 27 going on to 37.

You can't be rush and hasty and immature any longer.
And you will have less time to get over regrets and decisions made on impulse.
No more doing before thinking.
And everything to do with thinking before doing.
Having to be more self-conscious and realized that you are expected to take responsibilities of whatever you do and say.
If not to others, but also to yourself.
No more excuses about the ignorance of youth.
You have passed 'youth' by a long mile... and a half.
You may hate it, but its the fact.
The earlier you reconcile with the fact, the easier the passage into true "adulthood".

Someone just give me a sedative, knock me out and carry me over that threshold, please.

Congratulations! You're Legolas!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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Well.. he has got good skin and good hair.. so i really can't complain..
But the ears.... *whine*

I always feel quite disorientated after coming back to singapore from overseas, no matter how long or short the trip was. Things change here so rapidly, it takes a while to get into the flow of things again. Friends seemed to have moved further downstream and i needed sometime to find them again and keep up.

While i was away, good friend's grandmom passed away. It felt terrible not being able to be there for someone you care about when they need you. Yet, when i'm home, i'm not quite able to say the things i wanted to say, and seemed too cut off from her grief already to be able to help.

So i'm back home, and only the island of my home remained as always, unchanged.

He burnt a CD of some of the shots taken on the trip. (thanks!)
On top of that, there is another 8-9 rolls of films.
Looking forward to see those as well.
Will post some up after i look through them.

Just thought that LOTR was wonderful.
Why?
I don't know why.
I just LIKED it, OK?

Am too much of a ditz to dissect a film.

Thought the movie felt seamless unlike those choppy sequels where you have no idea how the heck did Part III ended BEHIND Part II's ass.

Hmm.

Not sure if that came out right.

Well, i adore the hobbits and the elves and spectacular effects.
Perhaps i should plan a trip to new zealand instead.
Ya.
Join the LOTR-"Come see where it's done" tour.
Maybe the air will improve the condition of my skin.
Look how clear everyone's skin is in the film.
Ya. Even Gandalf. 'Cept for the wrinkles.

Watched LOTR last night and the movie finished around 1am.
Slept at 2am and now i am back at work after my holidays.
Actually was suppose to be on leave but heck, why laze around at home when i can laze around in school and get PAID?
Ok.
People who know where i work, you can stop calling my office and telling my boss what i have just said.

Actually i am at work because there are WORK to be done.
And the occasional blogs to write.
Emails to read.
Sites to surf.
Naps to take...
Oops.
Work to do.

Besides, i need to carry over some Annual Leave for next year.
Am planning to go Canada. :)

I think it is better this way because, then i can forget.
At least i think so.

Realization no. 56:

Drafts are not permanent.

Catching up on friends' blogs and suddenly i have an urge to say "hi" to babes.
Xmas is coming.
Keep warm where you are ok?
Call me whenever you are home again.
:)

Saw an entry on elaine's blog on weight.
I cannot say how upset i am when i saw it because that is how it was for me as well.
Only i can't have said it better.
For her, demons reside in her highschool past.
For me, the only time i felt so insanely obsessed with how "fat" i am is only with him.
Yes.
One and only him.
Because he made me feel fat and not good enough.
It didn't matter how many sorries been said, my perception has been turned.
It is like having one of those funny mirrors around whenever i am with him, i always look fat and never beautiful.
I have never felt that way with my friends because, like elaine said, they have never made me felt that way.
It is really not about how much you weight per se.
It is really the perception that others keep harping on you.
Especially people who you care about and wish would think that you are beautiful.
My parents and brothers can call me fat and i wouldn't mind as much because they are family and despite what we say, we accept each other, because like my brother said, its "blood".
Yet, despite how much i know consciously not to let what other people say interfer with the my own concept of self, he got to me nonetheless when no one else could have.

It is not fair.
Despite knowing it isn't fair and it isn't right for me to feel so bad about myself/my body image when i am with him, i still do.

Screw all you superficial people who judge people on the account of their body size!

Done with holiday and doubly tired, physically.
Emotionally and mentally felt abit more refreshed, if i might add, a little blank.
Good.
Will need a blank slate to start piling on the junk for the next half of the year.

I will write soon about tasmania!
I just need to find the time!

Golly.

My cat has grown fatter and badly needs grooming.
He is shredding tons of fur all over my room.

Started my bro on a personal blog of his very own after i found out that he was reading mine. Not sure if its a mistake but heck, its a free web world out there. Besides i thought he could build up abit on his writing skills. I bet he is doing it as a joke but hey, who knows, maybe he will finally get an outlet to vent his perpetual grievances.

A caution for anyone reading his drivels; he has this weird-ass sense of humour which even people who lived with him for 25 years has not really fathomed through. I wonder how many people he is going to offend. God knows he offended me enough times already. It has gotten so bad that i can even laugh at it without feeling the pain. But then, after knowing him for so long, i have learnt to be GRACIOUS, KIND and FORGIVING, towards his insults and humour (though it is difficult to guage _when_ exactly is HE offended). And as he liked to remind me, if it wasn't for his brand of training, i wouldn't have the PATIENCE working with children the way i am today. For that, i am eternally grateful.

Ah, the delight of being part of a strange but wonderfully interesting family. :)